This post has been pinging around in my head for months now, it’s been drafted out a million times over, I’ve been hesitant about writing it, because it will probably upset a lot of you. Just remember, before you get all judgemental on me, remember, I’m entitled to my opinion, you’re entitled to yours, if you strongly disagree.. then comment!

If you think about Friends Reunited, MySpace, and eventually Facebook, there is something that hasn’t really changed across the social networks, it’s all about YOU.

Yes YOU.

You have your own profile, about yourself, you fill it with pictures of yourself and connect with friends old and new. Life was simple back then, now we’ve all grown up and it’s changed into something different. I’m no longer friends with that chap I went to school with, or that friend of a friend that I’ve known for years.

I’m friends with your kids too..

Yes, Really I am… I have teenage friends, tweenage friends, children friends, toddler friends, newborn friends.. and even – yes – foetal friends! A quick scroll through my friends list would make me look like some child friend harvesting paedo, shit, how on earth did this happen?! Do I have a sleep disorder that makes me befriend child while I sleep, like a Facebook Child Catcher? Fuck, I better hand myself in.. Hang on.

*Clicks on Profile Picture of a Foetus*

No.. Wait, I’m not friends with a foetus – that’s Paul I went to school with.

*Clicks on Profile Picture of a Toddler*

No.. This is Jane from my old job.

Ahhh, I see what’s happened now.

No longer do your profiles document what you are up to, I just get to see your beaming child, over and over. You’re telling me how much you ‘love your little *sexcrement name here* so much’, I know that *sexcrement* did a fart today, and it was charming. Thing is though. I don’t fucking care.

No, actually – I do sorta care. Don’t get me wrong, your kid sure is cute, and has a smile that could bring peace to the middle east, but I’m not into being friends with your toddler. I want to be friends with YOU. I’m not saying I’ve never posted a picture of my child, or mentioned her, I have, but it’s everything in moderation. I will guarantee at least 50% of your friends don’t care about your child, probably 50% of that lot HATE children and will never have any.

The 200 or so friends you’ve gained across the years are there for YOU – wonderful, special, unique, beautiful YOU. If they wanted to know all about your children, they’d be friends with them, or talk to you about them.

I’ve set up a ‘Page’ for our soon to be born son. Why? Well for those reasons above. It gives a place for us to share the details and news to those who WANT to know what’s happening, if they’ve had enough, they can ‘unlike’ and go on their way. I’m sensitive to my friends, I know some are going through the pain of trying to conceive, or have suffered a loss, heck even those who hate children, I don’t want to pollute their time-streams. I’m sure they don’t ‘hate’ my new son, or dislike him, but they are friends with me, not him. I am a Daddy, yes, but I am still me, that sweary socially awkward man.

I want to know what YOU’VE been upto, how YOU are feeling, what crazy, funky, cool stuff has been rocking YOUR world. Get a baby sitter, go get shitfaced, take lots of crazy photos and post them on Facebook and tag them, go retro! 🙂

Just remember, I don’t hate your beautiful little ones, I really don’t, but I’m YOUR friend, not theirs!

13 thoughts on “It’s your kids, Marty, something has gotta be done about your kids!

  1. Fragglefromtherock says:

    Im more inclined to hate child Twitter accounts with baby talk language and, worse still, pets with FB accounts…WTF?!

  2. Sonia Porter says:

    Thank heavens! I often think i'm the only one. i don't mind seeing the odd pics of people's kids – and when they pop up, sometimes I'll click on them, often I wont. i put ones up of mine an' all (of course, I am including my multitude of kitten pics in that) – but posting pics is different…people can choose to look closer, and they disappear from your timeline quite quickly.

    I just don't understand why people don't have photos of themselves as their main photo!!Especially when they add me as a friend, I can't remember their name, and want to have a check whether they are the person I THINk they are! How can I tell from a picture of Penelope Pitstop or their 4 year old child!?

    And I am FORTY!! we've all got bloody kids*!!  (*Most of my closest friends don't actually have kids and I AM just saying it for effect…)

  3. Kip Hakes says:

    Barney – Firstly, you're right.

    Secondly – I think you misunderstand my point, I'm not moaning about people who post about their children, as you (and I) point out, I do this.. My point was that it's a problem when the parent's profile turns into a profile for the child, the avatar is the child, the cover photo is the child, every single fucking update is about the child. To use your dinner party example, I have friends who would be at the dinner party stopping proceedings every 5 minutes with a child based anecdote and a photo, slightly different from the last. Children are children, not profile stealing demi-gods.

  4. mummyoftwo says:

    I am so guilty of doing this! I am trying to keep all kiddie things on my blog now so as not to bore people on FB but then I find I have nothing to say and I hardly ever update my status anymore! How sad my life has become!

  5. Anne Stone says:

    Ok, I do agree to some extent but I’m exempt from all this…90% of my friends on Facebook are from previous forums for parents. i.e. we met while talking about our pregnancies and kids, and we still talk about our pregnancies and kids. My profile pic is one of me with my youngest (had to put something cute on it) So sorry, I will keep talking about my kids as they are my life, I’ll also talk about the gigs I go to, the holidays I have, the days out, meals out etc. If my friends don’t like it they can always un-friend me or hide my posts 🙂 BTW I can’t stand it when people post what they are eating/having for dinner..who gives a f***k!

    • Kip Hakes says:

      To be honest Anne, I think you’ve got the perfect balance! 🙂 My Facebook Profile Pic is me and my daughter, I’m not bemoaning people who do that, my irk is where EVERYTHING is about the children, no pictures of the ‘adult’ are to be found, it’s just a spurious stream of updates about their children.

  6. Vicky Charles says:

    I am guilty of posting far too many photos and status updates about my daughter… and I am aware I probably bore the pants off a lot of my Facebook friends. But I am a stay at home mum, and these days this she is pretty much all that goes on in my life.
    I have a Facebook page for my blog, and try to put updates about my daughter on there, and “normal” ones on my personal page – but 99.9% of the photos I have posted on my personal Facebook in the 10 months since I became a mother are of my daughter – purely because I just don’t see or do anything else!
    I draw the line at having a photo of her as my profile picture though – because that does get confusing when you can’t figure out who you’re friends with! It’s a picture of me with her…

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