This is part of probably quite a long running series of blog posts about where you’ll find my passive aggressive rants about what fucking idiots the human race can be. I apologise now for the swears, you have been warned!
Thankfully owing to the wonder of the Tesco Home Delivery service, I rarely need to step foot in a supermarket, the nice man or lady taps on the door with all our stuff, and bosh – we’re set for the week. Recently though I’ve found myself traipsing around the local Morrisons, Sainsburys or Tesco, usually picking up a few bits, or just to get J out of the house and giving Loz a break. I don’t know why I head to the supermarket, I hate them, I really do. People seem to switch off and leave their brains at the door, or maybe even the car park as I’ve discussed here.
I find navigating around supermarkets very stressful, I generally know where everything is, I know where I need to go, my voyage around the aisles is planned. Quite quickly though, it’s spoilt by some bell end with no trolley etiquette. Pushing a trolley around is very much like driving a car, if someone has stopped and you need to get past, you give way to the oncoming traffic and then pass. You look before pulling out from one aisle to the next. You need to be aware of those around you, if you’re stopping be aware of those behind you. Gently move in and stop. It’s really not hard.
Unfortunately though, a lot of people don’t really think about their surroundings, they charge round like the trolley wielding cunts they are and give little thought for anyone or anything else. Here is a list of my supermarket / human being bugbears – If you do any of this, I really can’t forgive you – you’re off the Christmas card list.
1 – The Deserter
This person will abandon their trolley / buggy in the aisle, usually in the way of others. They tend to magically appear and tut loudly if you try to nudge their trolley out-of-the-way. Probably the best / worse example of this was a few weeks ago, I walked round to the next aisle to find the aisle blocked by a buggy and a trolley parallel to each other, the chavvy parents were off down the other end of the aisle blissfully unaware of their aisle blockade.
2 – The Stand Backer
These cretins like to look at the goods on the shelf, but from the opposite side of the aisle, usually leaving their trolley next to where they are looking, and themselves blocking the rest of the aisle.
3 – The Feeder
I really hate these people, walking around the supermarket, stuffing their faces with items they haven’t paid for, are you THAT hungry you have to tear open the packaging and snuffle around like a pig looking for truffles. It’s even worse when you see them feeding their kids in the same way, that REALLY narks me. Two bits of advice for this, first, feed your children at home before you come out, secondly, tell them NO! If they are moaning that they ‘want’ or ‘neeeeeeed’ the food, what kind of example are you setting by giving it to them now? Let them wait!
4 – The Emergency Stopper
These are the kind of people who will walk down a busy street and grind to a halt without warning. Next time someone does this to you, drive the trolley into their arse and pretend you didn’t see them stop.
5 – The Space Invader
Ever been waiting at the till and you’ve had a trolley right in your arse cheeks because the person behind is too eager? Or similarly when you’re queuing with a basket, someone so close to you you can judge their bra size with your back? These are Space Invaders, I’ve no idea what they are upto! No spacial awareness maybe? No depth perception or maybe they are just in a hurry, which leads on to..
6 – The Russ(h)ia
We’ve all needed to whiz around the supermarket at some point, but you still need to be aware of others. Don’t charge round clattering your trolley into others and huffing your way round, by all means be efficient but never aggressive.
7 – The Shouters
This is usually a scummy, chavvy drunk couple shouting to each other down the aisles. Recently as I was walking a dozy J around the Supermarket this bellowing voice screamed..
‘OIIIIIIII ROB! ROB!’
Poor little J jumped with a start, my hackles instantly went up, the red mist started to descend. NO ONE UPSETS MY CHILDREN!!! I shot a glare to my left, I could feel the words ‘You fucking cunt’ brewing in my mouth, I looked up, and up and met the gaze of a man double in size to me in probably every dimension. He was built like a fucking house, his face looked shocked, I don’t imagine many people look at him the way I was looking at him right then. ‘Ah sorry mate, I didn’t see..’ he mustered. Realising I should pick my fights carefully I just huffed, and called him a cock under my breath.
8 – The Receipt Checkers
Similar in some ways to No. 4 but this is a very specific type of person and place. You’ve finished your shopping, packed your bags, paid and are on your way out of the store following the flow of the trolleys. If you’re paying attention you can usually spot the receipt checker up ahead, but sometimes they catch you off guard, they’ll slowly plod along, staring athe receipt, trying to push the trolley, notice a mistake on their receipt and do an almost instant ‘about turn’ with a Columbo-esque ‘Just one more thing..’ and plow into the oncoming trolleys.
That’s all I can think of about now.. I’ll add more as I think of them. I think overall the problem is that people are just so blindly in their own little worlds, they just forget about everyone around them. No one REALLY likes going round the supermarket, but perhaps if we’re all a bit more aware of each other, maybe it won’t be so bad.
Update – Thanks to @MunkiMatt
9 – Self Service Hoggers
Those idiots who put a whole trolley of shopping through the self service tills, whilst a massive queue builds up behind, fucktards.
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