Today, I’ve not left the house – I can’t, I’ve needed to go out and run a few errands, but I just can’t leave.
I’ve done a fair bit of work, and caught up on Blogging stuff, but today I’m a prisoner of my anxiety.
Just the thought of stepping out sets my heart racing and my head spinning, I feel sick and nervous, I feel so terribly isolated and NEED some kind of human company, but that need just isn’t as strong as the sickness I feel about crossing the threshold. The postman got me to take a parcel for next door, my hands were shaking so much at the thought of opening the door to him, I struggled with the lock, the signature I gave him was a random squiggle.
I couldn’t wait to slam and lock the door just to stop the way I was feeling.
It flared up again tonight, when the neighbour came to collect the parcel, I’ve got such a sweet, chatty neighbour who will stand talking forever and I am trying harder to engage with him, but I just felt so rude quickly closing the door. The world was spinning and I wanted to get off.
I have days like this, I don’t open the curtains, I just want to be in a bubble, I don’t want to talk to people, I just want to hide.
Weirdly though, it seems to make the Video Blogging I do better, there’s an illusion of confidence, despite all of me wanting to curl up and hide, I can at least easily pretend to be a normal functioning adult when I put a camera in front of me. I can do that fairly well, when I was a best man over 10 years ago, my leg was uncontrollably wiggling as I made my speech, but I aced it, people laughed, and it went well, despite it going against every fibre of my being having a whole room looking at me.
Tomorrow, I *have* to go out, I *have* to collect J and I’ll *have* to do something out of the house to keep him entertained for the next few days, what? I’ve no fucking clue, but I have to be in full on Dad mode, because, well I don’t want either of my kids to grow up like me. I have to give them the illusion that I can cope (I can’t), and the illusion that I know what I’m doing (I don’t).
Anxiety is a strange beast, it really is, sometimes I feel like I can take on the world and everything it throws at me.. Other days, I struggle to lift off my duvet. I try my hardest to make plans and have things ahead to look forward to, but on my worst days, knowing that I have ‘stuff’ upcoming makes it all so much worse and I want to cancel everything, but then I feel isolated and alone – it’s an odd dichotomy.
Either way. I don’t like how things are now. At all.