The Man

Avatar Kip Hakes | 21/07/2017 0 Likes 0 Ratings

I was stood outside hanging the washing out, and I heard it, clear as day -

"Look at you, you stupid fat dick - you don't deserve to be here. Off you fuck - no one will miss you"

I sighed to myself. It's a voice I'd recognised from before, so brutal and cutting, and always timed at a point where I wasn't feeling particularly great. I pegged the rest of the clothes onto the line, went inside and put some music on and sang loudly. The voice wasn't going to get at me. It hasn't done for years, perhaps the odd whisper, but nothing like before. I sat and did some work, processing that sentence that I'd heard, trying not to.. But I couldn't help it.

At least two of the words were true.

Perhaps some might argue the whole sentence is true. It's not - I'm not that far down the rabbit hole.

I've found myself feeling very down and insecure about myself recently. Looking back to the Video I filmed at Alton Towers, I wince and cringe as I look at my face filling the screen. It's not how I want to be - thankfully I don't have to be. I think I just need to start looking after myself a little more. I'm not the chunky monkey I used to be - I don't break into a sweat after a few sets of stairs. I'm not making XL T-Shirts creak at the seams. I'm just heading for a hole that can thankfully be avoided.

I joined a gym local to me. I always quite enjoyed going to the gym before. However I just kinda went with no purpose. I did machines, weights, and swam. It was fine, and had some effect. I didn't bother with the 'Induction' at any gym, I bumbled along. This time I wanted a plan, a purpose, a direction. So when the nice lady suggested an induction, I was all over it.

I often nip out during the day, just to get out of the house - living where you work is strange. It's easy to get stuck inside, not talk to anyone - so I often pop out to the shops, or for a coffee. I could use this time more effectively by doing something to trim down. I had a 'pre-induction' trip to the gym to get the lay of the land and have a proper mooch around - it was hard work - but fun.

I was starting to edge away from the precipice of my mind.

Then.. this morning I got a shitty DM from a Daddy Blogger who was unhappy I'd unfollowed him. We'd had a run in a few days earlier, and I just didn't want to see him on my timeline. So I hit unfollow last night and didn't think much of it. This resulted in him telling me that 'everybody hates you'.

You're actually oblivious as to why everybody hates you aren't you?

Thing is, I know I'm not liked by some bloggers. Quite frankly, I don't care. I'm proud I haven't sold my soul to Iceland. I don't obsess over 'interaction' and 'impressions'. I've no plans to write a book. I will point out when people are being knobs, and happily say so.

But, from what I've found - generally - for one person who dislikes me, another will like me. I'm cool with that.

Just those words though..

Everybody Hates You

Powerful stuff.

Especially when you're not in full on 'fuck you' form, when you've been wobbling on the edge. It's hard to silence my own doubts of worth at times. I suppose it's like if you think in your mind 'Yeah, I'm fat - I'm okay with it'. Then someone actually says 'Oi oi Fatty!!' it will stab you. Hard.

I didn't interact further with the individual. I didn't want to know why 'everybody hates' me. I blocked him. I spoke to Twitter about my exchange, it would seem not everyone hates me. That was fine by me.

I plowed on with some work and had my induction at the gym. You know what? I'm not as big as I thought. There is room for improvement, however, a plan is in place and we ran though it. It was HARD. I am SO unfit. It's achievable though - I am fucking excited. I left the gym floor a sweaty mess, I left the changing room smelling amazing, buzzing on endorphins. I felt happy, on top of the world, and I can go and do this whenever I like. I don't know if I'll be supping Protein Shakes just yet, however it's early days - we'll see.

I switched the engine on - Radio X fired up - perfectly in time to the new song by The Killers starting... I smirked. It's a fucking tune.

I need to stop worrying about dickheads on the internet - lose the monkey chunk and be happy..

I'm The Man, nothing can bring me down.

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This post currently has 17 responses.

  1. Kate | Lesbemums

    21/07/2017 at 8:32 pm

    What a horrid thing to do to someone (just for an unfollow?!) and who are they to say ‘everyone’ hates you? They don’t know. Besides, it’s not true anyway! You have a family that love you for starters. Plus, like I said the other day, it’s better to have a small handful (although it’s likely bigger than that) of people who you can trust, have fun with/be on the same wavelength with, and depend on than an arena full of fakers who give you lip service.

    Keep your chin high and those who matter close to you. Be who you want to be and don’t let anyone tell you to do otherwise. X

    Ps. I miss going to the gym. Was one of the best places to de-stress. Enjoy!

  2. Clare

    21/07/2017 at 9:34 pm

    I almost wrote a similar post this week. There have been tears, tantrums and self loathing…those are from me.

    The devil has reared its head here again and the world seems a little dark atm. It’s hard to be happy when you feel those around you have different thoughts about you but you know what? I’ve admitted to those very close to me how unhappy I am and those are who matter.
    Not those behind their screens. Not those sending anon messages and emails. Not those who talk behind your back.

    True friends are here. They have your back and even when you don’t love yourself they do that 1000% over enough for you both.

    Friends are happy to have you as a friend. No one else matters.
    Hey I’m here and I’m a friend

  3. Jem

    22/07/2017 at 2:37 pm

    You’ve had a personal blip and you’re doing something about it – something that shows inordinate amounts of strength, self-awareness and courage i.e. the complete opposite of some jizz stain on the internet sending pathetic DMs because you’ve disagreed over something.

    I have a lot of respect for people who can stand up for what they believe in, even if I don’t necessarily agree with that particular ‘thing’, and that is one of the many reasons I like you Kip. And obviously my opinion counts for a fuckton, so don’t let the bastards drag you down 🙂

  4. Mrs TeePot

    22/07/2017 at 4:12 pm

    I’m sorry you had such a horrid DM, especially for no reason. I’ve had unpleasant messages when I’ve unfollowed people (even people who I’ve never interacted with!) but nothing that bad, yet!
    The internet is an interesting place!

  5. Gavin

    22/07/2017 at 7:18 pm

    It’s important to watch those internal voices, it’s easy to listen to them, or even start to believe them, but they’re not telling you the truth, they’re lying, trying to make you feel bad about yourself. I believe in positive affirmations to counter them, by saying the opposite, something positive about myself, out loud can be very powerful.

    As for the DM, it sounds like he was desperate to make you feel as bad as he does. Like arguing with an idiot, they will only drag you down to their level, then beat you on experience 🙂

    • Kip Hakes

      22/07/2017 at 8:27 pm

      Thanks Gav, it’s fine – I have been keeping them in check for years. I’ve written before about my ‘Dark Passengers’. Cheers for commenting!

  6. Nickie

    23/07/2017 at 12:25 pm

    People are so precious about numbers and who does (or does not) follow them. I am constantly going on and unfollow spree and have been called out for it many many times. It’s my timeline, it should be filled with content that I want to see and that will inspire me – not just some random updates from people who happen to blog within the same niche I wrote in 2 years ago. People change, reasons for using social media change, and, if I’m being honest, most bloggers are broadcasting these days and not interacting. Anyone that pushes out 10 blog updates in a day with no normal conversation gets an unfollow from me. Anyone that pushes the same content through Instagram, Facebook and Twitter gets followed only on the platform that I interact most with them – why would I want to see the same update three times anyway? In return, I EXPECT them to do the same.

    The words on the internet can be misused so much. It’s so hard to get a point across without facial expression or intonation – but that’s what makes great writers. In the same respect, there has been two attempts to troll me over the weekend – one on Twitter and one on my blog. I’ve interacted with both – one has turned into a very very very humorous thread with other people joining in and the other resulted in the troll turning to insults rather quickly because they couldn’t think of anything else to say – they lost the battle of words.

    To get back to the point – I’m totally aware that I’m very much disliked by a number of bloggers, to the point they have even blocked me on platforms where we have never interacted. That’s sad but it’s their choice. I know I’m gobby and opinionated but I’m never hurtful. What hurts more is that they never felt that there was a window of opportunity to have a conversation about our “relationship” but chose to talk about it behind the scenes to others which filtered back like Chinese Whispers. I don’t want to be liked by everyone though – I’d be worried if I was and the bloggers and vloggers that portray a beautiful and positive world are in danger of falling into a deep dark hole at some point.

  7. Alex

    25/07/2017 at 11:18 am

    One of the things I like about you Kip is your honesty. You don’t have a carefully nurtured public persona that’s designed to make you more marketable, you’re just a bloke with excessively trendy glasses and a perchance for the word “cunt”.

    People that have that sort of curated persona are often complete arseholes behind closed doors. To paraphrase a line from my favourite movie (The Long Kiss Goodnight), in public they’re all “oh phooey, I burned the darn muffins” but in private if they go into a bar, ten seconds later sailors are running out. I don’t always agree with you but that’s not the end of the world- part of the problem is so many people can’t cope with not being agreed with 100% of the time. Blogging, particularly parent blogging, can be a huge exercise in group think and confirmation bias at times, much to the detriment of the vast majority of people.

    My wife recently told me my blogging opportunities have probably been seriously curtailed recently due to the political tone of a lot of what I say on Twitter- you know, stuff like wouldn’t it be nice if people weren’t working 60 hours a week AND slowing starving to death- I can’t moderate myself and stop posting comments like that because I believe in social responsibility and fairness, in theoretical terms and as something we should instil in our children. If I’m not being true to myself and if you’re not true to yourself, you’re not being honest, you’re being dishonest.

    So, it’s a hit I take, and it’s probably a hit you take too but such is life. I suffer periods of self doubt, like most people do but in the end, I keep on telling myself the only opinions that matter are those of the people that matter to me. And increasingly there are fewer and fewer of those about 🙂

  8. Tracy

    08/08/2017 at 9:29 am

    Kip, I’m sorry this happened to you. The thing that I admire about you the most is the thing that gets you into hot water, as in your honesty. I like honesty and there is SO much arse-licking that goes on in social media and the blogging world, it’s enough to make you vomit, repeatedly. You’ve given me some right laughs, especially with your ‘pro-blogging’ pics you used to do on Instagram. Don’t stop being you because you are a breath of fresh air. What the guy said said was not only uncalled for but inaccurate. ‘Everybody’ is a hell of an assumption to make. He doesn’t speak for me for a start. I think you’re pretty damn cool. Can I say that at my age? Sod it. Yes I can. The way I see is that there are two groups of bloggers. One group that care about stats before content and the other group that care about content before stats. People are weird things but the best motto I have found is this. Fuck ’em.

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