I was stood outside hanging the washing out, and I heard it, clear as day -
"Look at you, you stupid fat dick - you don't deserve to be here. Off you fuck - no one will miss you"
I sighed to myself. It's a voice I'd recognised from before, so brutal and cutting, and always timed at a point where I wasn't feeling particularly great. I pegged the rest of the clothes onto the line, went inside and put some music on and sang loudly. The voice wasn't going to get at me. It hasn't done for years, perhaps the odd whisper, but nothing like before. I sat and did some work, processing that sentence that I'd heard, trying not to.. But I couldn't help it.
At least two of the words were true.
Perhaps some might argue the whole sentence is true. It's not - I'm not that far down the rabbit hole.
I've found myself feeling very down and insecure about myself recently. Looking back to the Video I filmed at Alton Towers, I wince and cringe as I look at my face filling the screen. It's not how I want to be - thankfully I don't have to be. I think I just need to start looking after myself a little more. I'm not the chunky monkey I used to be - I don't break into a sweat after a few sets of stairs. I'm not making XL T-Shirts creak at the seams. I'm just heading for a hole that can thankfully be avoided.
I joined a gym local to me. I always quite enjoyed going to the gym before. However I just kinda went with no purpose. I did machines, weights, and swam. It was fine, and had some effect. I didn't bother with the 'Induction' at any gym, I bumbled along. This time I wanted a plan, a purpose, a direction. So when the nice lady suggested an induction, I was all over it.
I often nip out during the day, just to get out of the house - living where you work is strange. It's easy to get stuck inside, not talk to anyone - so I often pop out to the shops, or for a coffee. I could use this time more effectively by doing something to trim down. I had a 'pre-induction' trip to the gym to get the lay of the land and have a proper mooch around - it was hard work - but fun.
I was starting to edge away from the precipice of my mind.
Then.. this morning I got a shitty DM from a Daddy Blogger who was unhappy I'd unfollowed him. We'd had a run in a few days earlier, and I just didn't want to see him on my timeline. So I hit unfollow last night and didn't think much of it. This resulted in him telling me that 'everybody hates you'.
You're actually oblivious as to why everybody hates you aren't you?
Thing is, I know I'm not liked by some bloggers. Quite frankly, I don't care. I'm proud I haven't sold my soul to Iceland. I don't obsess over 'interaction' and 'impressions'. I've no plans to write a book. I will point out when people are being knobs, and happily say so.
But, from what I've found - generally - for one person who dislikes me, another will like me. I'm cool with that.
Just those words though..
Everybody Hates You
Especially when you're not in full on 'fuck you' form, when you've been wobbling on the edge. It's hard to silence my own doubts of worth at times. I suppose it's like if you think in your mind 'Yeah, I'm fat - I'm okay with it'. Then someone actually says 'Oi oi Fatty!!' it will stab you. Hard.
I didn't interact further with the individual. I didn't want to know why 'everybody hates' me. I blocked him. I spoke to Twitter about my exchange, it would seem not everyone hates me. That was fine by me.
I plowed on with some work and had my induction at the gym. You know what? I'm not as big as I thought. There is room for improvement, however, a plan is in place and we ran though it. It was HARD. I am SO unfit. It's achievable though - I am fucking excited. I left the gym floor a sweaty mess, I left the changing room smelling amazing, buzzing on endorphins. I felt happy, on top of the world, and I can go and do this whenever I like. I don't know if I'll be supping Protein Shakes just yet, however it's early days - we'll see.
I switched the engine on - Radio X fired up - perfectly in time to the new song by The Killers starting... I smirked. It's a fucking tune.
I need to stop worrying about dickheads on the internet - lose the monkey chunk and be happy..
I'm The Man, nothing can bring me down.