Hmm – its a funny phrase – very American, and new age. But I guess I am understanding it now. You can’t really have new chapters in your life without another one closing. You can’t, as one door closes, stand staring at it hoping it will open again. You have to move on to doors new, and I have today confirmed to myself this has well and truly been done. With the eve of Georgia’s fifth birthday approaching i’ve felt nostalgic, aside from the fact shes five, it feels some of her past has become lost along the way. I’ve had mental breakdowns, depression and a whole host of nasties, and things are, well – patchy – and thanks to my silly urge to have all my photos digital, and the fact i’m shocking at organising – i’ve lost some pictures along the way.
I’ve pooled together pretty much every resource I have to hand to get images of Georgia from the past, and its working. The unfortunate thing is having to deal with the past, I was dreading sifting through pictures with J in them, but – really – it’s been fine. I don’t have any desire for her any more, any feelings of upset, I just sorta think…. ‘meh – yeah it was fine while it lasted, yeah we were happy – it just wasn’t meant to be’. Which is somewhere I never imagined i’d be. But then – my life has changed a lot since then.
I’m no longer a slave to the motorway, 160 miles a day is fucking hard. G is, well – just adorable, she’s 4 (nearly 5!) and has her moments, but she’s soooo good. Work ain’t great, but I have proper plans afoot for that. I’m with someone who is talented, and vibrant, who I bounce off with so well, and I feel totally at ease with, she dotes on Georgia, she makes me smile, and she gives back the warmth and feelings I give to her. It’s all good!!
Last year G, frankly, when she was me didn’t have the greatest of birthdays – I was broke, I was mentally destroyed, and I could hardly look after her. Fast forward 12 months, i’m prepared, i’m content, and yeah, I am still broke, i’ve saved hard to give G the birthday I feel I should have given her last year.
So… the J file is closed.