It’s 17.00 on Monday, and I’m in Starbucks.
I’m here most days.
I sit here because I’m lonely.
It’s weird because even here I sit, on my own, perched on a stool – but – I’m not at home, rattling around, working at my desk in a painful consuming silence.
I’m here because there are people, the staff all know me and never fail to make me smile. I have a ‘usual’ that’s already jotted on the order pad before I’ve even said “Hi” to them.
I should be happy, I’m a single parent of two, I work at home, I see my kids, but they don’t *live* with me. I have a lot of free time. I’m effectively ‘living the dream’ – it’s not a dream, it’s just so painfully lonely.
The people conversing around me right now, the random folks just passing by, lost in their conversations keep me sane. It’s a nice bustling noise, even though stuff here is winding down, it’s better than the echoes of my keyboard.
My plan for tonight? Eat a ready meal and plow through Parks and Rec some more.
I should feel happy I’m lacking a ‘ball and chain’, but – I’m not. Life is so painfully empty so much of the time now.
I’m even wanting to roll back to this time yesterday when I was telling off my overtired children. Instead, I’m writing this, and drawing out my Latte as long as possible, just so I don’t have to sit at home, thinking.
I didn’t imagine life would be like this, and yes, to some extent, it’s probably *ALL* my fault. We make our own paths in life, and the one I’ve furrowed is particularly pathed with clusterfucks.
One day, I’ll get it right.
But for now, my name is Kip Hakes, and I sit in Starbucks because I’m lonely.
What a really sad way to feel, but I know exactly what you mean, I’ve been there and to a certain degree I am there. It’s easy for someone not in your shoes to give you solutions and advice, but having the motivation/courage to change the path we are on is not easy, even if we can see where it leads. I wish you all the best and I hope you had a biscotti with your latte.
*hugs* this really sucks. Not trying to compete AT ALL but in a sort of a way I do the same – Harry and I (and Oliver on his days off) hang out in Costa far more than is normal just so I can at least be around grown ups… even if i’m not actually talking to them! Again I’m supposedly ‘living the dream’ and I’m not complaining about my situation but SAHM can be a pretty lonely life as well, particularly when none of your friends have kids and all work.
But sod my pity party, back to you 🙂 i know it’s not the same but you have us online folk to try and keep you sane 🙂 things will work out! xxxxx
Next time I bring James to Chessington, I’ll make sure I pop over for a coffee xx
Know its not the same but I’m always here if you need me. I mean always I never sleep
Thanks lovely xx
I do this but in Costa..I don’t have many local friends (ok 1!) my best friend lives 4 hours away..my days are monotonous with several school runs, chores and my hobbies are done when I can get peace from the children to concentrate (I letter write and read and blog so need the space!) sometimes I’m alone and that feels ok but other times I’m lonely, that’s not so ok x
I have a feeling like that sometimes. It’s not nice. I hope you can find some beauty in your silence when you are home. On a lighter note I really fancy a nice coffee now!!!! 🙂
All I can say is I am sending you some hugs. Please know you are not alone. Nothing is easy in life but I am sure you are doing your best xx