Christmas isn’t a competition..

I have such fond memories of Christmas growing up. I remember getting up on the morning of the 1st December and being able to open my advent calendar.  There was no chocolate behind the door, no LEGO figures to be found. There was a cardboard door, that opened to reveal.. More cardboard, but with a ‘festive’ picture on it. They were shit, but – it meant the countdown had begun. We’d put the tree up in middle of December, with decorations from years gone by adorning it. Some falling to bits, but they’d still be there.

Then, on Christmas morning we’d awake to find a small pile of presents at the foot of our bed. I understood our family wasn’t the richest, and I never got LOADS. However, a lot of the toys I’d lusted over in the Argos catalogue for the last six months ended up arriving from Santa. Then before I’d had much time to play with them, Mum would be stressing about the family coming over. We’d help get ready for the onslaught of guests after the Queens Speech, where my family would rock up with even more presents. A lot of my childhood memories are getting lost in the fog of time. However the Christmases I had at home are still as vivid as ever.

Fast forward to 2017 and Christmas is a bit shit.

I can’t help but feel Christmas is now a MASSIVE competition. A relentless dick swinging competition where everycunt has to be as jolly and festive as they can be, AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

It starts with trees – all trees must be up in November. If your tree isn’t up then – you’re a misery, a Scrooge – you’ve LITERALLY ruined Christmas for your family. It’s not enough to put it up. Nope. We have to SEE it going up. Every minutia of the tree trimming has to appear on social media. Snotty kids adored in Christmas jumper, forced to hold out decorations, pretending to smile. Some folks even have ‘people’ come in to decorate the house. Guys – you’re not on fucking MTV Cribs. Put your own shitting tree up.

Then.. as December the 1st rolls in, that scary little cunt ‘Elf on the Shelf’ appears. I’ve written about my disdain for him before, however – the little plastic faced cancer is spreading. Each year, everyone on social media is subjected to how ‘funny’ you’re being with this little prick.

“Oh look – our naughty Elf made a mess with the cereal! Can’t wait for Quinoa and Rupert to see this in the morning!”

Fuck off.

No one cares.

If you’re going to do it – just do it – we don’t all need to see, or hear about it. No one will die if you don’t share a picture. Just get on with it! I’ve seen so many people say “I don’t really like the Elf, but I feel should do it to make the kids happy!”. You’re not a bad parent for not partaking, you’re sticking to your guns. Elf on the Shelf ISN’T a Christmas tradition. It was dreamed up by a company to make them money, and you’re all falling for it – well done.

Then after weeks of “fun” Elf antics – Christmas Eve is upon us…

You MUST post a picture of your ‘Christmas Eve Box’. Yep, for reasons unbeknownst to most, ‘Christmas Eve Boxes’ are a thing. Filled with new PJs, Slippers, and small presents. On the EVE of the day children are spoilt relentlessly, you have to do a demonstration of your love for your child by giving them MORE stuff. It can’t wait for the following day – NOPE. Oh and don’t forget it really has to be a customised, hand made box you’ve bought from Etsy with ‘Darcy-Ray-Mai’ engraved on it. Otherwise, sorry folks – you’re a dreadful parent.

Once the little kids are in bed, it’s time for ANOTHER tradition – BRING ON THE PRESENTS!! You can’t possibly NOT post a picture of the ridiculous piles of presents for the children –

“I’ve worked hard all year for these presents, why shouldn’t I show them off?”

Your first point is excellent. Hard work reaps rewards, and that is very true (mostly!). I just don’t fathom the need to show everything off. Some of these living rooms look like Santa has crashed his sleigh into them. The piles get bigger and bigger every year. It’s just horrible commercialism. I know that there will be folk reading this who can probably afford one or two presents – if that. They’ve worked hard all year – but their kids don’t see that in present form. What parent doesn’t want to give their child as much as possible? However the choice between giving presents, and say, having the heating on is VERY real for so many. Having some prick ramming their wonderful, bountiful, festivities down your throat doesn’t help.

I knew that when I went back to school after the holidays, and we all ‘compared’ presents. I didn’t get as many as some people, and that was fine. I loved what I had, I played with all, and I was happy. You didn’t get everyone else’s Christmas forced on you, in real-time back then. Everyone just did their own thing, in their own way.

I’m not a Scrooge, I don’t hate Christmas. I just don’t like how it is now.

Christmas Isn’t a competition..