Well, this is strange – it’s been a while since I’ve typed in this window! I thought I’d better do SOMETHING, because I’ve invested a considerable amount of time into my blog over the *counts fingers* 13 years it’s been going for. I always loved tapping thoughts into this window, but last year – I just sort of stopped. I’m really not sure why, I think I just lost the love for it – I spent more time working on YouTube videos, which I adore doing – I guess that served as my creative outlet.
Also, the blog was a kind of therapy for me – it was my voice. I’d just type a load of angry, passive-aggressive stuff into here, fire it off, and watching the explosions. I’d be constantly in this weird loop of ‘LOOK AT ME!!’ then ‘please leave be’. It was exhausting. I think I spent too long playing a character, a loud, bolshy, idiot who was fearlessly shouting into the web demanding attention.
The thing is – that’s not *really* me.
I’m not really the person I was projecting on here – and playing a character for too long is damaging.
So – I’ve stopped. I’m just being me – a pretty bog-standard idiot who likes creating stuff – it’s never really GREAT stuff, but it makes me happy and earns a living (mostly!)
I also have worked on ‘me’ more. I had a bit of a crash last year (mentally) and decided enough was enough.. Instead of bottling things up and letting them explode out of me in any way my mind saw fit – I had some therapy. It was hard, it was expensive, but it was GOOD, like REALLY GOOD. I understand now why American people constantly seem to be ‘in therapy’.
Having someone connect the dots and listen to EVERYTHING, ask questions that trigger thoughts, and emotions you’d long forgotten was amazing. Sometimes it was like watching a Scandinavian drama, you’re not really sure what’s going on, why certain things are relevant, or who that weird guy in black is. Then, in the last few episodes, it all starts to make sense, and you’re like..
“Ahhhhh.. I get it”
(BUT WHO IS THE GUY IN BLACK?!!)
I’m not perfect, I’m not always good – but, none of us are – and that’s just fine. We’re all just crashing on through life doing the best we can with the tools we’ve been given. I accept I can’t be liked by everyone, I accept that I’m an absolute fucking idiot sometimes. I’m just happy to be alive and have an awesome family around me.
Perhaps maybe if you’re spending too much time shouting into the internet about other people’s failings, you should take a moment and consider yours? I’m really glad I did.
Is this the start of more blogging? Probably not – we’ll see.
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