I’m not okay…

I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a while now, and I been putting it off.. but, well, I guess now it’s time! So strap in.. because it’s a long one.. (that’s what she said)

I’m 44 years old, and by now, I am very used to ‘me’, how I work, and how my mind operates – we have a love / hate relationship, but on the the whole everything is okay. However recently, things became less okay, and I got to the point where I needed to reach out for help. Now, I’m not having some horrific depressive episode and need the kind of help that stops you from topping yourself. In some ways my mental health is actually top tier and better than ever. In other ways – it’s REALLY not.

So, what’s the problem? Well, I am the kind of person that is never able to switch off.. EVER. I can’t sit still for long without needing some kind of distraction. I’ve always been this way, ‘relaxing’ to me is the most unrelaxing thing in the world. If I’m still and letting my mind wander, it’s instantly throwing my ‘to-do’ list at me. Then, without much notice, I’m up and about doing something, literally ANYTHING, emptying the dishwasher, smashing through the ironing, wiping the sides down, making tea, tidying my studio.. I just can’t stop.

But then, when I’m in amongst one of those tasks, something else will pop into my head, and I find myself off on another side-quest, doing something else that feels very urgent.. If I don’t, my head is filled with my internal monologue telling me I SHOULD be doing it, so invariably I do that. Sometimes leaving a pile of unfinished stuff behind. I know I’ve always been a bit like this, but it’s felt worse recently.

It’s pretty unrelenting, I have to be exhausted to get to sleep at night or else my brain is just whirring away. Usually at that time of night I’m thinking of videos – what I have to film, what I need for upcoming videos, script ideas, camera placement thoughts, short form content ideas, ideas for things to write.. honestly everything.. it just doesn’t end. Then in the morning.. once I’m awake, it all begins again, I can’t just lay still and relax. I need to be up and ‘doing’.

Like I’ve said, I’ve always been like this, however honestly, it’s starting to crush me. I’m bending under the pressure my brain is putting on me.

I wondered if I might have some kind of neurodiversity, I’d heard Linus from LTT speak at length about his ADHD on the WAN Show over the years. Also, Joe from Shifting Metal has talked about it a few times in his videos and they both really chimed with me. I did a LOT of Googling and it certainly felt that I might be that way inclined.

So.. I tried to get help.

My GP’s surgery, along with most in the country don’t really like you booking appointments. Or if you need one, you have to be on a website at a certain time of the day, trying to get a triage call. I didn’t consider myself an ’emergency’ so felt a bit crap trying to get an emergency appointment off someone who DID need it. I remembered with the health insurance I have (the one that fixed my back) I could get a near instant appointment via DoctorCare Anywhere (it’s an app). So, I did that.

The GP I spoke to was very kind, I explained everything that had gone on, and she took me through a very quick ADHD screening process. She took everything on board, and said – “I think Mr Hakes, you do have ADHD, and could really do with having a full assessment”

My brain sorta internally screamed ‘Oh fuck’ about 30 times, while she was trying to explain my options for getting an assessment. I don’t think I fully heard her or took it all in, but she said that everything she told me would be sent in my notes at the end of the call, so I could at least relax a little.

She duly sent the appointment notes to me a few minutes after the appointment had ended. My choices were –

• See if my insurance will cover an assessment – it doesn’t, the policy excludes ‘developmental issues’, so that wasn’t a goer
• Pay a private company for an assessment – certainly not out of the realms of possibility, but it can be expensive if you want a reputable company to do it.
• Go see my GP and get assessed on the NHS – having seen a LOT of discussion locally about the wait for ADHD assessments in the area being several YEARS, I knew I probably couldn’t cope like this, for that much longer.
• Right to Choose – this is (put simply) where you inform your GP you’d like to choose where you get your care from (in writing) and a private provider will give you the assessment, and the NHS will cover the cost of it.

‘Right to Choose’ felt like a good option, however, because a LOT of folk are stuck on long NHS waiting lists, and invoking their ‘Right to Choose’, the waiting times with these private providers are creeping up VERY quickly. It’s not years like the NHS route, but it’s certainly a fair chunk of time. Which, at times at least, I feel like I don’t have..

So, I thought I’d use my constantly shouty and firing brain to try and find a solution, and, I have one, and it looks like it might well work, and hopefully I can calm my mind a little bit!

What is is?

Well, you’ll just have to wait and see! I do need a bit of time to slow down in the meantime, like a fat man at a buffet, I’ve got a lot on my plate at the moment. So I have decided to slow down a little and not take anything more on.. So I’m not going to be covering any scare events on my socials over Halloween, I just can’t take it this year. They often involve a lot of late nights, long drives, and ridiculously quick edit turnarounds – I’m not in a place mentally to cope with that right now. Hopefully next year!

So yes, I’m NOT okay.. But hopefully soon, I will be.

Maybe subscribe to my YouTube if you don’t already.. answers will be coming soon!