The stuff I can’t say to you..

You may have noticed I’ve been quieter than usual for the past few days – it’s not been intentional, there’s a lot of ‘real life’ stuff happening – not all of it good, well, not much of it good actually. It’s raised a bit of a conflict of interest with me though.

I like to be honest on my blog, I’ve moaned about ‘Blogging Honesty’ a lot, it’s sometimes good NOT to be a Stepford Wife and admit your demons – because none of us are perfect. The thing is, there are a few subjects that are off limits, possibly so off limits I can’t even say what they are, but those of you who know me well will notice that certain things go unsaid, and probably will do until, well – FOREVER.

I do dislike that I can’t write about everything – I find writing a massive therapy, I often struggle to find the right words to speak – even talking to friends in WhatsApp has become hard. Yet I can sit here, at 00.20 and pour my heart out to a mass of largely anonymous readers, a handful have met me, but mostly the hundreds of people who come here each day don’t really know me.

I have mused about setting up a private, anonymous blog to write about the off limit subjects without fear of recrimination or judgement but it just seems pointless because I like the dialogue my posts strike up. I love reading the comments, the tweets and the feedback. If I push my stuff out randomly into the ether it’s unlikely to be seen, and therefore commented on, or a dialogue created, and whilst it might make me feel better, the engagement with others and hearing ‘Yeah – I’ve been through that’ just won’t happen.

I suppose I hope for a point in time that these past and present events that are pressing on me so heavily right now will no longer be quite so secretive and unspoken. I hate hiding in the shadows and brooding like a blogging Batman, honesty in blogging is massively important, sharing is caring and all that other jazz.

Life isn’t all blogging freebies and events, it’s a fucking uphill struggle that’s often rewarding but equally perilous and depressing. I want to share ALL of my journey with you, everything from the silly to the sad, the highs and the lows – but for now there’s a lot of stuff I can’t say to you, and I HATE it.