Me – Yawn ” I’m tired, I should sleep.”

My brain – “Hi Kip, I’ve drawn up a list of every single way that you’re a waste of skin, imma just run you through it – should only take a few hours..”

Anyone else have this happen to them? You’re absolutely exhausted – drained and tired, but your brain just won’t let you shut down? It’s like when you REALLY need to use your computer and Windows has decided it needs to spend an hour installing updates first.

It happens to me a LOT. I’ve never been someone who went to bed early, I’ve always been a bit of a night owl. The only time I started sleeping fully was when I was on Mirtazapine and they knocked me out, which was cool, but it also meant I felt like a zombie in the morning and left me wide awake at 2am when I’d forgotten to take it. I have accepted that I won’t ever be one for early nights.

My thoughts do keep me awake frequently – like right now. However, it’s not always dark thoughts – in fact, it’s rarely dark thoughts these days that keep me awake.

What DOES keep me awake is creativity. I can lie in bed, and think of blog posts I really should write, TV Scripts I’ve been musing for ages, treatments for books I want to write, creative ideas for vlogs. It’s all there, in bright glorious colour – just sadly it’s 1am and I can’t really sit there typing away. Then, by the time the morning comes, it’s a faded memory, those clever lines I’d formed have largely been forgotten, until the next time I can’t sleep.

I don’t mind this though, I’d rather be awake with the creativity and positivity my mind exudes, than awake and crippled with anxiety and worry. I understand it more now – it’s all part of my creativity. You see, I really did fall into the work I do. I have no qualifications in my day job as a designer. I scraped through my A-Levels and went into the job I thought I should do – IT. Miscellaneous, boring IT. Don’t get me wrong, I love IT – however, it wasn’t the career I needed. It was what I thought I should do. But, through a collection of random IT based jobs, I’m here – a Designer, a Blogger, and a Vlogger and it’s what makes me happy.

I’ve been working for myself for 10 years now, and whilst the path hasn’t always been smooth. It’s what makes me happy – I get a buzz from my job. I like creating spaces for people to work in, to hear wonderful news, to hear the terrible news. It makes me proud seeing people using the stuff I create. I get a buzz when I look on Google Analytics and see people on this blog reading my thoughts. I smile when I get a little thumbs up on YouTube. It really makes everything feel worth it.

I am calm, I am happy, and I really enjoy feeling like this.

I don’t mind being kept awake by my brain frothing and fizzing over with ideas. I think I should be worried when I’m not – sure. Most of these 1am ponderances won’t turn into anything, but I appreciate that my brain is still shuffling the creative deck of cards and chucking a few aces my way. I used to worry that I was crazy, or broken for thinking the way I do – I’m not. It’s just how my mind works, and I love the squishy collection of nerves for it.

Anyway.. I must sleep.

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