I’m tired and a little grumpy. I’ve mentioned before, I don’t sleep a great deal – but when I do, my goodness – I bloody love it. Just all huddled up, eyes tightly closed and recharging my batteries.
That didn’t happen last night.
Because of my fucking toothbrush. Yeah. You read that correctly, my toothbrush disturbed my sleep. Why? Well read on and I’ll explain.
You might have seen James and I went to a FOREO event, and it was SO much fun. James had a blast, and I did too. We came away with a lovely Foreo ISSA Mini 2 and after the event I got sent the ‘grown-up’ FOREO ISSA2. All was great. However, a few months later James’ Foreo just died. Battery seemed to charge, however, it was just dead. Considering James isn’t here every day, it was a bit annoying that it failed so quickly. I emailed the PR people about it, and they promised a replacement would be dispatched. It doesn’t seem like we were alone – the Amazon reviews seem to speak of similar issues.
James’ replacement didn’t ever arrive – so he’s gone back to a normal brush.
Mine seemed to okay. Until about a month ago, one night when I went to brush my teeth. The brush didn’t switch on, it was dead. I’d only charged it a few days previously. The battery is MEANT to last a year on one charge. It definitely doesn’t – it’s 6 months. If that. I brushed my teeth manually and resigned myself to the fact that my brush had gone to toothbrush heaven like James’.
The next morning, it was working as normal and continued to do so until a few weeks ago. As I went to bed, the bloody thing didn’t want to stop. The buttons were all unresponsive and it just buzzed away. If I’d been a horny lady, all would have been rosy – those ultrasonic pulses would be magical. I wasn’t – I was a grumpy man who wanted sleep. After some furious button bashing (not like that, you perverts) it switched off. Hooray!
Last night though… Welllllllll.
Ffs it's late and my toothbrush has decided to become sentient.. Bastard won't turn off. pic.twitter.com/V258YKNyFm
— Kip Hakes (@kiphakes) June 20, 2019
The bastard wouldn’t switch off again. I was feeling so shattered, I just wanted it to stop. But no. The little bastard buzzed away. I wanted to chuck it in the bin. But then I’d just have a buzzing bin. I put it down on the sink in the bathroom. The vibrations made the porcelain hum. As I contemplated snapping the thing in two. It just stopped. I breathed a sigh of relief and got into bed.
I looked at the clock – 1.27
The fucker had turned itself on again and sounded like there was a sex toy having a whale of a time on the edge of the sink. I shuffled into the bathroom, swearing under my breath. I picked it up. It stopped immediately. I screamed the C word internally. I remembered there was some bubble wrap on the living room table. I went in there and lay it on there, that should cushion any kind of vibrations if it woke up again. I felt quite pleased with my plan and smugly went back to bed.
It was 2.28am
The bubble wrap had helped. But those powerful ultrasonic vibes were just too much. I picked up the bastard, expecting it to stop like before. It didn’t. It just buzzed away, happy as can be. I wasn’t amused. The buttons did nothing, the bright light at the base flashed in my face. I felt like I was in my own terrible sitcom. I tried to unscrew the bottom. That didn’t work. I tried to snap it in two. My tired floppy hands just couldn’t gather the strength. I SO ANGRY. The fact it wouldn’t stop made the anger worse. I marched into the kitchen. Prepared to just throw it out of the window and into the darkness. I didn’t care any more. I just wanted it to stop. As I leant over to grab the window handle…
It had stopped.
I felt happy. I felt rage. I felt shattered.
I cradled the toothbrush in my arms and gently carried it to the bedroom, scared that the slightest knock or movement might start the infernal buzzing again. I didn’t know what to do with it. So, for some reason, I just lay it on my bedroom floor, so gently, like I was handling a live grenade. It seemed like a sensible idea. I climbed back into bed and finally got some sleep.
Predictably, it was absolutely fine this morning. It worked perfectly.
These FOREO toothbrushes aren’t cheap – but they are most definitely crap. AVOID.