It’s funny returning to here after quite the break. I used to write SO MUCH, and then, well, I didn’t. I think sometimes I just used to post here to get a reaction. I used to enjoy courting controversy, winding people up, and making folk kick off with me, and each other. Sometimes I felt like a blogging version of Piers Morgan, or Katie Hopkins (although less racist and xenophobic), I was a gobshite for the sake of it.
The funny thing is, it wasn’t me.
People met me in real life and were surprised how quiet and reserved I was – okay, less so after some wine, but I wasn’t really being *me* on here. I just liked to write little blog grenades – type furiously, pull out the publish pin, and throw it out into the internet.
Then I’d get upset, I couldn’t handle the critisism, or the fall-out from people angry with me. I hate people being angry with me – I hate conflict and negativity. It makes me freeze, my insides scrunch up and retreat, sometimes feel physically sick. Yet I was bringing this on to myself – I could have stopped. I didn’t *need* to write what I did. But I did – I carried on. May be it was some form of self-harm? Not in the physical sense.
However this negativity and conflict was ‘rewarded’ by views, ad revenue, and sometimes praise. I’d sit watching my Google Analytics real time page after I hit ‘publish’, You’d get one, or two, people viewing, then tens, then hundreds, and when I was being a massive dick – thousands. It was gratifying seeing so many people flock here, as well as upsetting some people, I’d make a lot of people smile, and laugh. Lots of DMs saying ‘I’ve been thinking that, but too afraid to write anything like that’. That made me feel better – but it never really counteract the negative reactions.
I wasn’t popular because I was a good writer, or compelling, I was popular because I was a dick. I’m not sure if I was even popular.. I was infamous, being known for being a dick isn’t really a legacy anyone wants.
I am a dick, but then, aren’t we all at times? I’ve done my fair share of really fucking stupid stuff – ruining friendships, and relationships – it got me noticed, and seen, but not for the right reasons.
I’ve changed – I’ve improved. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been able to write so much? I don’t really want to be the ‘me’ I’ve been on here before, I don’t want to cause a fuss and upset. It’s not me, I want to make people smile and laugh. I’m not sure if I can do that through my writing? Maybe? Who knows?
Anyway – I’m sorry for all the things I said and did when I was an idiot – I’m trying to not be that idiot now.
