It’s Sunday! Which has recently seen a new routine added to it – sorting out my tablets. I have to take a seemingly obscene amount of tablets each day. I’d started to get muddled about which ones I’d taken and when, I was pretty sure some days I’d accidentally overdosed, and others underdosed. I’d joked about needing an ‘old man pill organiser’ to keep me in check. When Vicki and I saw my Mum and Sister a few weeks ago I’d mentioned my forgetfulness – the next day, an Amazon parcel arrived with this in it.

I knew I had a lot of tablets, but seeing them all laid out was a little shocking. Firstly I realised I was about to run out of some of them, and secondly I’d never seen the quantity I have each day – let alone for a WHOLE week.

I have to take eighty four tablets each week – and that’s just the absolute bare minimum. It doesn’t cover the extra tablets I need to take when the pain is so unbearable it takes my breath away.

Eighty Four tablets.

That feels insane, especially when some days I can’t concentrate on anything other than the absolute agony I feel. I’d hope after that quantity it would at least be better. Sometimes, it is better, it’s dulled and the horrible feelings lessened – quite often I’m walking with a limp and hating every step. I’m only 41 – I shouldn’t be walking the way I do, needing a stick sometimes to help. It’s hard, because I’m not a lazy person – I love pottering around and doing stuff, washing the cars, doing some ironing, running round with the hoover, pottering in the shed, or some little DIY project I’ve created. Doing nothing is SO hard.

I know I need to relax, and stop before I do any more damage to myself – I’m trying. I really am. I know for now, to all intents and purposes I am disabled, until I get seen, and sorted – whenever that may be.

It does make me wonder if I’ve been living with this for longer than I’ve realised – I’ve written about my bad back a few times and the pain in my hip too. If I have, then clearly it’s getting worse – it’s not ’red flag’ worse (yet) – I’ve been told that if I piss myself or shit myself, or lose feeling then it’s time for a trip to A+E. I’m not there yet – well at least on the incontinence front – I had a scary moment last year where my foot seemed to stop working, for about 10 minutes or so. That faded as quickly as it started, thankfully!

I just wish I didn’t need to throw back eighty four tablets each week just to take the edge off things – I’m bloody glad I have a pre-payment certificate for my prescriptions!

Footnote – This isn’t being written for sympathy – I am (mostly) okay with my slightly amended life, some days are harder than others, but I’m here and not going anywhere!

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